Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
