i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
