He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
