It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
