Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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