My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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