then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
