You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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