if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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