Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
