Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
