She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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