is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
