I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
