I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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