Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
