Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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