took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
