I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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