The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
