she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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