May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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