theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
