I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
