I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
