Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
