I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
