The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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