Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh god it's open bar.
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