I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
