Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He has the fingertips of a God
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