i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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