bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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