Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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