why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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