brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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