You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
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The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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