You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
