i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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