I will die if light touches me.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
