The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
