and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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