Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
