I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
