He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
