We won't sleep together?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Congratulations! We have a period
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