Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
