His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
