hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
