If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize