well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep