Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
