Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
