Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
