We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
