so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
