ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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