Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
