All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
